Half the Time you were Together?

Hey, remember that time I was supposed to move to Wisconsin like 4 months ago? Well I didn’t (clearly) but it seems their weather has moved here for me. I can’t remember the last time I was still wearing my winter coat and scarves in April, and I haven’t needed a pair of flip-flops once yet this year. This just will not do. Apparently, on average, March was colder than December. Fun fact of the day.

Speaking of Wisconsin, I was out with one of my guy friends recently and he was asking me how I wasn’t over what happened yet. He didn’t understand how almost one year later I could still be so upset by what happened. I tried to explain to him, that for the most part I am over it. There’s no more crying in bed day after day, I’m not still holding out hope that it’s all just a bad dream, I don’t want to just lay in a bathtub with a jug of wine listening to Phil Collins. Well ok, I do, but just for fun. Not because I’m so deeply depressed that anything else seems like too much work. Note to self, next place I live must have a bathtub.

I told him, in a traditional sense I am over the break-up. Does that mean I didn’t nearly vomit and simultaneously almost crash my car when his phone number popped up in a text 3 weeks ago? No, and in fact I don’t think I stopped shaking for a good hour after the two text exchange, but isn’t that normal? The thought of him dating someone else (which I’m almost positive he is) makes me nauseous and angry enough to punch a wall, but that has more to do with how he’d always preach that I’d have a new boyfriend in two weeks but he has no interest in dating anyone but me. (Side note, I haven’t had anything remotely close to a boyfriend since him, which is the longest time I’ve been single in the history of my dating life.)

I explained that mostly the issue I’m still dealing with is, that when someone knows all your deepest insecurities about yourself, and then says them out loud to you, just to be mean, it takes a long time to bounce back. Those are the moments I still relive when I think about our break-up. The shock and disbelief at some of the words coming out of the mouth of the person I cared for most in the world. That’s what’s burned in my brain, and what I try to forget every day. However, the hurt of having someone you trusted most with all your fears and insecurities then using them against you to knock you down is indescribable. That’s what I’m not over.

Even now, just writing this post, my heart hurts thinking about it. There’s only so many times my friends can tell me that what was said wasn’t true, that I can tell myself  it’s not true, but that one voice is still the loudest in my head. I don’t think there’s any formula to dictate when I should fully be over this and moved on, despite an episode of Sex and the City telling me there is, and if it takes me longer than other people think it should too bad for them. It takes a long time to build back up from the lowest of lows, and when I get there, I get there.

 

Try

While I wish I had heard this song six months ago, it’s still one I find myself listening to at least five times a day right now. Can you guys believe it’s been six months? I can’t. Sometimes it still feels like it was yesterday.

Ever wonder about what he’s doing

How it all turned to lies
Sometimes I think that it’s better to never ask why

Where there is desire
There is gonna be a flame
Where there is a flame
Someone’s bound to get burned
But just because it burns
Doesn’t mean you’re gonna die
You’ve gotta get up and try try try
Gotta get up and try try try
You gotta get up and try try try

Eh, eh, eh

Funny how the heart can be deceiving
More than just a couple times
Why do we fall in love so easy
Even when it’s not right

Where there is desire
There is gonna be a flame
Where there is a flame
Someone’s bound to get burned
But just because it burns
Doesn’t mean you’re gonna die
You’ve gotta get up and try try try
Gotta get up and try try try
You gotta get up and try try try

Ever worried that it might be ruined
And does it make you wanna cry?
When you’re out there doing what you’re doing
Are you just getting by?
Tell me are you just getting by by by

Where there is desire
There is gonna be a flame
Where there is a flame
Someone’s bound to get burned
But just because it burns
Doesn’t mean you’re gonna die
You’ve gotta get up and try try try
Gotta get up and try try try
You gotta get up and try try try
Gotta get up and try try try
Gotta get up and try try try
You gotta get up and try try try
Gotta get up and try try try

You gotta get up and try try try
Gotta get up and try try try

It’s Been A While, So Here’s a Novel

Hey, it’s been a while huh? Like over a month… sorry about that, but I haven’t had much to say.  However, with 2012 rapidly coming to an end, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, and today I have a lot to say. I’ll break this up with some random pictures of what I’ve been up to lately so it’s not complete word vomit, and hopefully it will make sense. Here we go.

Hosting Friendsgiving 2012

It’s no secret that 2012 was a pretty shitty year for me, especially the last 6 months of it. I bought a house with my significant other, then almost exactly one month later he broke up with me. What I thought was my life, and going to be my life, crumbled out from under me. He hurt me so much, not only with his actions, but with the words that followed, that I had a hard time remembering who I was and what I ever liked about myself. There were days when I physically could not make myself get up out of bed, I cried for months, and survived on 2-3 hours of sleep a night aided by Unisom and wine. There were times when everything just hurt so much that I couldn’t handle the pain only being on the inside, when it felt better to hurt on the outside too, and then not only did I feel pain but shame and embarrassment.

Celebrating my sister’s 24th birthday by dancing my ass off

Slowly but surely I crawled my way out of that dark hole I was living in, and one day not too long ago realized I was finally starting to feel happy again. I was finally starting to feel like me, and not the me that I was in the beginning of the year either. The me from almost 3 years ago, who would go out and dance like a fool in bars and not care what anyone though, who enjoyed the life they were living and wasn’t waiting for something else to start and make it better, a me who was finally starting to have confidence in herself again.

Thanksgiving Day with my family

It doesn’t take a genius to see that I have extreme issues with insecurity, and I’ve never kept that a secret here, but I never really thought about why until recently. Sure I was unpopular when I was younger, didn’t have that many friends, and never really found a group I fit in with until college, but a lot of people go through that. Why was it so much harder for me to get over, and just accept that maybe people do like me? I had a thought the other day, and maybe it’s way off base, but when you’re with someone for a long time, and that person is constantly feeding you things like “You only got that job because you’re pretty,” or “You only got that job because your family knows people,” and “There was probably someone uglier who deserved it more than you,” it’s bound to do some damage. I wish I was just referring to the last few years too, but that’s garbage I’ve been hearing since I was 16.

My issue with my looks, and only being acknowledged because of them became all to clear to me when I drunkenly lashed out at a co-worker last week. We were at our holiday lunch/dinner/night of drinking, and all he kept saying the entire day was, “You’re so pretty,” and I lost my shit. At which point I had to explain that I was sorry, but my whole life I’ve been made to feel like I don’t actually deserve where I’ve gotten, and sometimes I just want to hear “you’re funny”, or “you’re smart” and that I don’t want to hear “you’re so pretty”. In no way do I mean this to sound conceded or narcissistic, but sometimes you just want another kind of compliment that has nothing to do with what you look like, especially if you’re me apparently. Sometimes I sit around and wonder if people actually like me, and I feel like not everyone does that.

work holiday gathering last weekend

About a month or so ago I found myself developing feelings of non-hate for a member of the opposite sex. Those feelings are not mutual, so it’s not a huge deal, but we had some pretty good conversations in that month. This person said something to me one night that knocked me on my ass, for a few days if I’m being honest, and left me with a lot to think about. What exactly was said isn’t important, but it made me think about myself, and how I am around my friends, and how I am when I’m not in a giant group of my friends. I’ve written before here, how somehow in my group I’ve gotten this reputation as bitchy, and mean, and evil, and so I guess I’ve been trying to live up to it for years. In reality, I am a giant nerd, who wishes she lived in a musical, and tries really hard to memorize Ludacris’ verses in songs, and who gets so nervous before hanging out with a guy that I typically spend the first hour in my head telling myself not to say anything dumb. This person and I have been friends for like 7 years, and it only took 3 weeks of really talking to help me realize something that I probably never would have otherwise. I just need to stop trying so hard to be what I think people want me to be. It’s exhausting, and clearly not working for me or anyone else.

So here I am now 5 months post break-up, and doing pretty well. Sure someone I like doesn’t like me back, but hey what can you do. I will never again beg a man to stay with me, or try to convince them they should be with me because 1) it doesn’t work and 2) you just end up feeling like a giant loser and embarrassed for yourself down the road. Sure I still hurt sometimes; in fact I cried in my car just last week when Alan Jackson’s- Remember When came on the radio, but it didn’t set me back a week. I cried, pulled it together and continued on with my evening. I can look at pictures without feeling a stabbing sense of rage or sadness, just a feeling of nostalgia for what was. Most importantly I’m remembering what makes me happy, and what I enjoy doing, and if it’s dancing so hard I fall down in a bar and wake up covered in bruises, then so be it. I’m not 100% back together, but I’m getting there, and there’s a light at the end of the tunnel that’s making 2013 look bright.

 

 

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